What makes you...you?

They say the experiences of your life shape the person you are today.  What were those experiences?

I remember mom and dad fought a lot when I was younger.  I remember thinking they just weren't suited for each other even before I knew what that meant.  My sisters and I talked, nonchalantly, about who would go with which parent after the divorce.  Come to find out, we wouldn't have a choice.  We went with mom.  Apparently dad needed his space.

My parents divorced when I was 14.  It was a life altering event.  I often think how life would have been different if they'd stayed together.  I'm sure I would not be even a shadow of who I am today.  But is that a good thing?

My grandmother, my mother, and one of my sisters are borderline schizophrenics.  Each has faced incredible challenges.  At times I felt horribly inconvenienced by their illnesses.  That may seem harsh but if you've experienced what I have with them, you'd understand.  Today I think I'm more empathetic or maybe just worn down and more accepting.

My relationships with them have indeed shaped me.  Growing up, from the time I was 14, was difficult at best.  I had no real stability.  My dad sent child support but never enough to augment my mother's secretary salary.  He never really showed much interest but today he tells us how much he missed us and regretted that time without us.  I guess I'm suppose to feel sorry for him... for how pained he was to leave us.  Why?  I was 14...Did he really think any of us had the maturity to understand his "loss"?  My step-mom says he can't watch the movie Kramer vs Kramer because of how painful the divorce was.  WHAT?  That movie is about the fight for the custody of the couple's child.  I remember no fight.  I remember being told...you need to be with your mom.  She needs you.  I never heard..."I want you so much"...I never saw any fight. Bullshit is what I say.  He wanted out of the marriage and didn't want the burden/responsibility of raising three kids.  So he sent us off with someone who was emotionally unstable and ill-prepared to support a family of 4 on her own.  I'm bitter.  That too has shaped me, particularly in the last 20 years or so as he gets more and more sentimental about the lost time. 

Relationships I've had with men have shaped me too.  I didn't date in high school.  In college, I had no confidence and pretty pitiful self-esteem...I got into relationships for all the wrong reasons and stayed in them despite how unhealthy they were.  When I met Derron I suddenly realized how very wrong all the others were.  I understood in an instant that there is one person for you...and with that one person, you'll do everything for the absolute right reasons.  That doesn't mean our relationship is perfect but our bond is strong and that's what's important.

Maybe it is important to explore life's experiences from time to time...bringing the associated feelings to the surface may be painful but sometimes do help provide insight into why you are the way you are.